


Breathing For This

by pirate_cat



Category: Austin & Ally
Genre: FTM, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, i just love projecting my problems onto disney characters, it's only deztin if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-03
Updated: 2015-12-03
Packaged: 2018-05-04 18:20:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5343902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pirate_cat/pseuds/pirate_cat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dez has always been different. It went beyond his wacky clothing choices and his extremely outgoing personality and what seemed like wild innocence.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breathing For This

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, so, I wrote this like a year ago and just got around to posting it. Title is from Moments by One Direction.

Dez has always been different. It went beyond his wacky clothing choices and his extremely outgoing personality and what seemed like wild innocence. No, it went very far beyond all that and he tried to keep it under wraps. In fact, most people didn't know it. The general public thought Dez was an open book which, he was. He just didn’t tell people that one thing. That he was born a girl.

Growing up, Dez hated dresses and he made that very clear, yet he was forced to wear them anyway. He didn't hate the pattern the fabric was sewn into, but he hated the femininity associated with them. He preferred pants and shirts.  
Dez hated his hair. He hated his long, wavy, red hair and he hated that his mom treasured it. Whenever Dez expressed his dislike for his hair, she'd say, "People pay to have their hair done like yours," and he'd sit and pout.  
He also hated his best friend, Austin. He didn't hate _him,_ exactly, but he was extremely jealous. Austin was never forced to wear dresses or to have long hair. He was able to be a boy. Dez felt like a boy, but no one else could see it.

Dez was seven when his parents finally gave up on dresses. He was old enough to dress himself and he'd absolutely refuse to put on a dress. It made him happy, of course, but things were still missing.  
He still hated his hair and would repeatedly ask to get it cut. "Mommy, I want to get it cut," he'd whine as she brushed it one morning before school.  
"Sure, we can get it trimmed this weekend."  
"I want it cut like Austin's." It was the first time he didn't go along with a plan for a trim.  
Dez's mom knew it was better to let your kids express themselves, but even with Deedee's matching hair, she didn't want it to be gone. "Desdemona, people will start to mistake you as a boy with short hair and the way you dress."  
"Maybe that's what I want," he mumbled, crossing his arms and walking away from his mom to grab his backpack before she had a chance to ask him to repeat himself.

Dez was nine when his mom finally caved. He felt like he was on top of the world as he walked out of the hair salon. "Thank you, Mommy," he grinned, hugging his mother tightly.  
She still didn't get it. No one did. His mother still tried to make him girly and she signed him up for ballet lessons.  
He actually liked dancing and even asked his mom if he could start tap. Tap was way more fun than ballet. As much as he enjoyed it, he hated dancing because he had to wear a leotard and tights and for ballet a short skirt and for tap he needed pants like yoga pants. He mostly tried to block out his ensemble as he let himself have fun. He knew there was nothing he could do about it, but the outfit was enough to make him want to quit.  
“I’ll tell you what,” Austin started one day on their walk home from school. “My mom’s been trying to sign me up for ballroom dancing. We can take it together. Maybe then you can quit ballet.”

One day when Dez was twelve, he was hanging out with Austin in his room listening to music. The main reason Dez liked being with Austin so much (other than the fact that they just clicked) was because he didn't treat him like a girl. He just treated Dez like Dez, which happened to be the nickname Austin gave him. Whenever his mom set up “playdates” with other girls they wanted to go to the mall and buy clothes. They tried to re-feminize him.  
Dez knew he had to tell Austin, even if he didn’t really quite know what to say. But he actually really wanted to tell him. Plus, they told each other _everything._ "Austin, I need to tell you something,” Dez said, refusing to make eye contact.  
"Wassup?" Austin asked, turning down the radio so Dez could talk.  
Dez sighed and looked down at his feet. His breathing sped up but at the same time he felt like he couldn’t breathe and he knew he’d regret what he was about to do. Running a clammy hand through his hair he finally muttered quickly: "Ifeellikeimnotagirl."  
Austin sat down next to Dez on the bed, sensing this was serious, and cocked his head to the side with an eyebrow raised. "What?"  
"I feel like I'm not a girl. I think I'm a boy."  
Austin just smiled and hugged his friend, even though he was confused.

In seventh grade, Dez opened up Google. _I feel like I'm a boy but I'm a girl and I'm really confused,_ he typed into the search bar. After going through numerous websites, he felt like he'd finally come to a conclusion. _I am transgender,_ he thought to himself not quite sure if he understood.  
He didn't tell his family. He felt like they definitely wouldn't understand.

Dez invited Austin over to look at it with him. Austin shrugged. "It makes sense," he commented. "I think you are," Austin turned to look up at the screen for the word, "transgender." Dez felt tears coming down his face. Austin wrapped his arms around his best friend and squeezed him tight. "I love you, _bro_ ," he whispered. Dez just hugged him back. “We should go shopping. I’ve been saving up my allowance for a guitar, but I think getting you new clothes is more important.”  
Dez pulled away with tears of happiness in his eyes and looked at Austin with a huge smile. “I love you too.”  
Austin asked if Dez wanted to be called by a different name. He wanted to make his friend feel as happy as possible. “Most people call me Dez anyways. Let’s just stick with that.”

A few days later, he found ace bandages in the bathroom cabinet. He had already started puberty and Dez cried at his own reflection every day. He wrapped the bandages around tightly and put on a newly bought t-shirt. The corners of his mouth turned up into a small smile. _You could barely tell._

"Dez, what is wrong with you?" his mom yelled at him in the car on their way to the mall. "You _need_ bras! I've let it go for too long. Usually girls your age can’t wait to start and ask before anything is even there! And you need a dress for your eighth grade graduation!" Dez looked at the window, resisting the urge to cry. "Look at me when I'm speaking with you!"  
"Mom I'm--I'm not wearing a dress! Austin isn't wearing a dress!"  
"Austin is a boy, Desdemona! You're a girl!"  
"I'm not a girl, Mom!" Dez said, almost screaming. The car was silent for what felt like years as Dez realized what he'd said.  
"What are you talking about?" she asked, her voice getting softer.  
"I looked it up. I'm transgender." She turned the car around.  
“What are you talking about?” she asked, her eyes glaring at him like daggers.  
“I’ve never felt like a girl, Mom, and I’m not.”  
The rest of the ride was silent, and Dez’s mom turned the car around to head home. As they pulled into their driveway, Dez got out and ran up to his room.

That summer was the worst. Everyone in his family barely looked at him and he felt almost ashamed. He spent most of his days at Austin’s house. It was a hot afternoon and Austin just made a basket. “You have to talk to them,” he suggested before he too a drink of water.  
“Oh no,” Dez said, shaking his head. “That’s not going to happen.”  
“Dez, things will just get worse. As much as I love having you here, I’m pretty sure my mom and dad are getting annoyed.”  
Dez rolled his eyes. “Maybe they just need to suck it up.”

The first day of freshman year, Dez got out of the school bus and stood next to Austin, looking up at the building. “Do I look okay?” Dez asked, his voice shaky. Austin knew what he meant though. _Do I look like a boy?_  
Austin turned his head to look at Dez and nodded with a smile. “You look handsome.”


End file.
